You jokes

It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen...

...boys develop them around the age of forty.

I got fired from the juice factory today

I just couldn't concentrate

So I was at the bank today and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.

Well I was not very impressed, she fell over on the first try.

Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?

To protect themselves from a salt

There are multiple reports claiming that Kim Jong-Un is dead.

Another Un bites the dust.

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.

When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

What did the water say to the boat?

Nothing. It just waved.

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.

We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.

Did you hear about the woman with amnesia who tried to masturbate?

She almost remembered how, but couldn't quite put her finger on it.

What's a policeman's favorite gaming console?

wii-u

wii-u

wii-u

wii-u

heh

What do you call an aquatic Nazi?

Adolphin

“Son I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime”

Son: “Why was it something I said?”

Dad: “Yes.”

Dog walks into a telegraph office...

Says he wants to send a message.

"Sure" says the clerk, "what's the message?"

"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."

Clerk says, "OK, but for the same price, there's enough room for one more 'woof'".

Dog wrinkles his brow and replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense.."

A blind man walked into a bar...

...then a table, then a chair.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

It cost me an arm and a leg!

When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja.

Impressive.

Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.

Poor bastard.

Birthdays are great...

... but too many of them will kill you.

A man walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.

He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"

"I just caught my wife having sex with my best friend," says the guy.

To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"

"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."

"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.

"Bad boy"