You jokes

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

People tell me we should be preserving endangered species.

But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their shit.

A Woody Joke

What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car

With Wooden Seats

Wooden Tires

And A Wooden Engine?

It Wooden't Start

News from the sexual health clinic

A friend of mine received news from the sexual health clinic, he opened the letter and gleefully shouted "high five!". Relieved I took a look at the letter, dont know how I'm going to tell him that it's pronounced H.I.V

I will never forget my daughter's first words.

Where have you been for the last 12 years?

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A piiig

Putin dies and goes to hell

After a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he decides to visit Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin finishes his drink, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros

Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"

A woman purchases an antique mirror...

in front of the mirror she playfully says " mirror mirror on the door, make my bust-line fourty four " and her breasts grew to enourmous proportions. She quickly ran to grab her husband and he decided to try it " mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" and his legs fell off

Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle...

Having 12 close friends after age 30!

A man walks into a bar, and the second he does, the bartender tells him of a bet.

He says, "You see that meat on the ceiling? You have three tries to grab it. If you grab it within three tries, you get free drinks for life. If you don't, you've got to buy the whole bar a round."

The man contemplates for a while, but eventually answers. "Nah, I'll pass. The steaks are too high."

I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.

It's by Dick D. Spencer

I don't always roll a joint, but when I do

It's my ankle

Old people love

My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.

Three old women were sitting on a park bench...

...all of a sudden, a man ran in front of them wearing a long overcoat. He opened up his coat, and he was wearing nothing underneath. The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third one couldn't reach.

What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts.

I organized a threesome last night.

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had fun.

I thought of having a threesome

But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents

What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?

A side hustle.