You jokes

Where do you find a Himalayan cat?

You’ll find him-a-layin on the couch

That's a nice ham you got there.

It'd be a shame if someone put an "s" before it and an "e" after it.

Wife asked me what am I doing

Me: Killing Mosquitos Wife: How many have you killed?

Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male Wife: How did you know their gender?

Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet

Two balloons were floating around a desert.

One said to the other, "look, a cactussssssssss..."

Laughing Dog

A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it. When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said: " I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film. "So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"

Why do foot fetishists always lose?

They like the taste of defeat

What do you call a pregnant woman?

A body builder

If the stork brings good babies, and the crow brings bad babies, what brings no babies?

The swallow

People are like lottery tickets.

You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time.

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

I wasn't sure if I should post this here, because it's only funny under certain circumstances

certain circumstances

funny

If you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times...

Because sin90 = cot45.

Hey girl, are you interested in premature ejaculatiors? Cause

Hnnng, nevermind

One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends

An old drunk was at the bar when...

He saw this beautiful woman drinking alone at the corner of the bar alone. So he waved the bartender over and ask the bartender to send a bottle of the most expensive champagne to the woman.

The bartender, "nah, I wouldn't bother with that. She's a lesbian." But the old drunk insisted.

A short while later, the old drunk sauntered over to the woman, "So...which part of Lesbia are you from?"

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm

Says, "This is the pig I've been fucking"

His wife says, "That's a duck"

He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you..."

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally

caught him by the organ.

News just in of a honeymooner killed in a shark attack off the Perth Coast. The man had been married very recently. A police spokesman said

Fortunately the man did not suffer too much as he had only been married 5 days

What do you call a hooker's fart? ...

... A Prosti- Toot!

My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.