I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember
If “#” is often read as “pound,”
then perhaps we should rethink the title of the #metoo movement.
Cop: are you high?
Me: am I what? Cop: high Me: hello
Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”
That’s M’Shell on my back
I’ve always had bad luck with women.
My first wife died and now my second wife won’t.
A politician visited a village in India
A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”
On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
“Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.”
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
I went to a child psychologist once.
He was rubbish. He was only seven.
Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?
She said no one told her to do it.
So everyone knows why 6 is afraid of 7. Can you answer this, How did 10 die?
It was trapped in the middle of 9-11
I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.
But these are just miner details.
What does a 9 volt battery have in common with a girl's butt hole?
You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're gonna give it a lick.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...
There would be mass confusion
Do you know why donuts have a hole in them?
Because the baker made them with love. ^^^^^also ^^^^^why ^^^^^they're ^^^^^glazed
Sex is like a poorly explained joke.
I don't get it.
I dropped my swear jar
About a hundred motherfuckers escaped.
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
I broke all my fingers on one hand..
On the other hand, I'm fine.
As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool...
She said “let’s see how the date goes first”
I'm going to name my son Awesome...
...so whenever he sleeps with someone, they are fucking Awesome.