Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?
Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.
Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.
A man and his wife went fishing one day. As they were fishing, they spotted the Coast Guard coming towards them.
The wife said, "Honey, we caught four fish, and we are only allowed three, so lets throw one back into the sea."
The husband said, "Are you mad, woman, that's our food for tonight. Take one fish and hide it in your panties."
The wife said, "And what about the smell???"
The husband replied, "Just block the fish's nose...."
How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people?
You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”
My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"
"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."
Met my school bully 10 years after I last saw him. He still takes my money today.
But on the other hand, he certainly knows how to make a decent sandwich.
A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.
"A'right! The perfect opportunity!" cried the Scotsman, who lifted his kilt and leapt on the backside of the sheep, shagging it furiously until he was satisfied.
Smiling, the Scotsman smoothed out his kilt and turned to the Newfie. "Go on," he said, "It's your turn."
"Okay!" said the Newfie, and stuck his head in the fence.
When I die I want to come back as a spider,
That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"
On the bright side...
We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady.
Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM
(George Michael)
A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says : "No butter for you for a week!"
The little boy then kills a honeybee. Dad says : "No honey for you for a week!"
Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy asks : "Are you going to tell her or should I say it for you?"
How do you tell the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.
Why can't you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
Why are abortion clinics like a trip to Chuck E Cheese?
It brings out the kid in you
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a camel toe, a bunch of hares and a fish no one can find.
A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’
The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.
Pretty lame I guess depends on how many of you get it.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Door mum
Door mum who?
I've come to bargain
How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?
They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles
Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?
Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.