You jokes

Pharaoh

Funny unknown historical fact:

Pharoahs were burried with their hands crossed their chest because it was a historical belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Mermaid

Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

She outgrew her B-shells.

Wife

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...

that I'm in the control group.

Chick

Dating a chick with 12 nipples sounds funny...

Dozen tit?

Astronaut

What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend?

I need space.

Son

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for work?

Bison

Beer

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

Argument

Whenever I have an argument with my wife, she always comes to me crawling

And then she says: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"

Dangerous trick

Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!

Than guy asks the audience: if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!

Girl stands up and says: "I'll do it, just don't hit me on the head!!!!"

Mexico

What is Mexico's national sport?

Cross Country

Copy

Went to the book store for the Christmas sale “1/3 off all titles”

I got a lovely copy of “The Lion, The Witch”

Wing

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone.

"Wing wing".

"Halo?"

Persian lesbian

What do you call a Persian lesbian?

A flying carpet muncher.

I'm so sorry.

Man

A man walks into a bar and asks:

"Bartender, may I have a Less?" To which the bartender says: "I'm sorry sir, what did you want?" "I would like to have a Less please." The bartender then apologizes: "I don't know this drink, sir, could you describe it to me?" The man answers: "Well... I don't really know, but my doctor told me to drink less."

Trans woman

Marvel have announced their newest Superhero team, one consisting entirely of Trans-woman.

The Ex-Men.

Son

My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.

The joke. Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.

Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"

Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"

Son: "Moooooooo!!!!" Then bursts into loud laughter.

Love this kid!