You jokes

What's the difference between a school teacher and a train?

A school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, a train says choo choo.

Why did Frodo set his phone to vibrate?

He was afraid the ring would give him away.

So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.

Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."

Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says

"JOE THATS A NON STICK PAN"

I was real upset when I lost my nonbinary friend at the store

But I felt better when someone told me "They're there"

Girls call me Mr. Microsoft

because I have a 3.5 inch floppy

Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.

I’ve been working on it tirelessly.

So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand

Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the f@#k are you?"

I used to think the brain was the most important organ.

And then I thought, look what's telling me that.

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl-Esh.

Breaking News: Cheese factory explosion!

De Brie everywhere.

How do you drown a hipster?

Throw them in the mainstream

I have always thought that the second letter in the word “Hive” is quite beautiful, after all .....

Beauty is in the I of the bee holder.

Why did the blind fly starve to death??

Because he couldn't see shit

The bartender told him, "We don't serve time travellers here!"

A time traveller walked into a bar,

What kind of plant is the scariest?

bamBOO

You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

Relativity theory

In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

Yo mama's so fat

She

What is Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination