When I was a lad, my father told me I should never go to a whore house.
He said that I might see something there that I shouldn't see.
When I turned 18, my curiosity got the better of me, and I went to a whore house. And I did see something I shouldn't see: I saw my dad there.
World Peace
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas.
"World peace" I said.
"Something more realistic!" she laughed
"Ok how about a blowjob once a week?"
She reached for the phone.
"Who are you calling?" I asked.
"The United Nations" she replied.
A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot.
The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.
Little Johnny catches his mom and dad...
Mom and dad are having sex when little Johnny walks in. Quickly, dad tells him to leave. When mom and dad come out of the room, they explain to Johnny that sometimes daddy's get a big tummy and mommy's have to jump on it so it will deflate. Then Johnny replies, "But why does mommy have to deflate it when Ms. Jane next door just comes over every day to blow it back up?"
The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.
I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.
Why are you flying with United Airlines?
Beats me.
You can't breathe through your nose when you're smiling
Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile
What is the similarity between Caps Lock and prison?
They both turn "o" into "O".
What did the gamer say when his girlfriend asked what World of Warcraft and League of Legends were?
"Wow, lol"
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...
“School” is my answer
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.
Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e
*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*
Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.
A son went up to his dad and said “What is an alcoholic?”
The Dad said “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight. Then the son said “But I only see two.”
I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself...
"i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"
Last night my wife wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car
And she wanted me to drive
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”
The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”
The Talking Clock
A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"
What state is Lake Michigan in?
In liquid state 😛
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge door...
It said, "This is not working. I'm going to my mothers."
I opened the door. The light came on. The beer was cold. Just what in the hell did she mean?
Being married is solving problems together.
Problems I wouldn't have, if I was single.