You jokes

Son: Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend.

Dad: You know, you could do better.

Son: Thanks Dad, that means a lot.

Dad: I was talking to your girlfriend.

Why don't ants have balls?

Cause then they'd be uncles!

I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

So when I pee the bed...

I am a jerk, an asshole, and asked “why do you have to get so drunk”.

But when my wife pee’s the bed it’s all “my water broke” and “the baby is coming”

Hypocrite

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay ...

... for the 23rd time.

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

I like my coffee like how I like my slaves

Free

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

My date started choking last night so I quickly pulled my cock out.

"How's that going to help?" asked the waiter.

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino.

After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.

They told me they were still dealing with my order.

What's a difference between a crusade and a homicide

In one, you murder for a book and in other you are booked for a murder.

Superman was flying over a city NSFW

And he sees Wonderwoman laying naked on a rooftop patio in the sun. He swoops down and before she knows it, he rails her and flies off. "What was that?" she cries. The invisible man says "I dunno, but my asshole sure hurts."

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding

She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

I met my dream girl at the morgue

but she didn't warm up to my advances.

What do you call a prostitute who does both men and women?

An omniwhore.

A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks

'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'

'yup'

'It looks brand new!'

'It is.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'

'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'

'yup'

'Wow, can't turn that down.'

“Stewardess”

“Yes, Sir?”

“I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can’t see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can’t sleep.”

“Captain, shut up and land the plane.”

A good looking girl waved at me today...

but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

If Biden unfucks any more of Trump's mistakes any faster...

There'll be no Ivanka and Jr. by Sunday.

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike

I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke