You jokes

My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...

She was attacked by a giant crab.

Why is a UTI such a bad thing?

Because it means urine trouble

What Did the Little corn ask his mama corn?

mom wheres Popcorn

Where do sheep get drunk in Boston?

At the baaaaa.

Thank you!

What weighs more, black or gray?

Black does. Gray is a little lighter.

Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

Why do neo-nazis drink milk?

Because they hate juice

Today my son told me he wanted to go help blind people after school...

The verb, not the adjective.

Go away bee, don't bother me.

A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.

Friendship: Men vs. Women

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious husband called his wife's 10 best friends. none of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

What's all the fuss about Donald Trump's Russian Ties?

I know for a fact that all his Ties are made in China.

What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNEEEEOOOOWWWWW

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

It's shift work

My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D...

... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

My cousin thinks he's cool because he sleeps in a race car bed.

Little does he know I sleep in an actual car.

My new girlfriend dumped me when she found out I was missing a toe

Apparently she's lactose intolerant.

Remember, if you smoke after sex

you’re doing it too fast.

How does Darth Vader eat with a mask on?

He force feeds himself.

I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises

That woman blows my mind

I don’t have a Police record,

but I do have a Sting CD.