You jokes

I heard Bill Cosby made a sex tape....

Twice as strong as duct tape.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's funny as a motherfucker

How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and another to show his dick to an intern once the light's on.

The furniture store keeps calling me back.

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

A man misses the bus...

A man on the way home just misses the bus. He runs after it in the hope to catch it, but ends up running all the way to his home.

There he tells his wife : Honey, I did something great today. I saved 3€ by running after the bus.

She responds: Stupid you. You should have been running after the taxi instead to save even more money.

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.

I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

My doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation.

I thought he was crazy until I saw a dragon on the way home and shit myself.

Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

Why are there no vampires in africa?

Because they blessed the rains down in africa.

Kegals aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.

(First joke I've ever come up with myself, sorry if it sucks.)

(if you could improve or elaborate, feel free )

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller!

What’s the difference between a really strong weightlifter and a really, really, really strong weightlifter?

Repetitions.

What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex?

Honey, I'm home!!

I went to my doctor to have him look at some strange spots on my arse. I pulled my pants down, he took a look and responded..

Weird flecks; butt ok.

I totally understand how batteries feel...

because I'm rarely ever included in things either

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.

She's ninety-three today and we don't know where the hell she is.

Today I ran out of toilet paper and had to resort to lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg.

A man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him...

The official cause of death was, "Exposure to the Elements".

What do you call a person with severe ADHD

AD4K

The waiter came up to our table.

He said, "Can I take your order?"

I said, "Sure."

He said, "Thanks, I'm just really hungry."