You jokes

Doesn't the "B" in LGBT

... imply there are only 2 genders?

The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.

I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”

You know the problem with political jokes?

Sometimes they get elected.

Dirty Blonde

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked...

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact I knew where he lived...

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

what do you get when you finger a gypsy on her period?

Your palm red

Lately people have been trying to get me to jump off a dock

But I don't give into pier pressure.

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a blonde, a duck and a horse walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "is this some kind of joke?"

Why do skydiving companies have excellent reviews?

Because it was awesome for the people who survived

If Turkey was attacked from the rear

Would Greece help?

I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up.

The parrot was cool though.

What's the opposite of a waterfall?

A firefly!

I will now leave.

What's better than winning the lottery?

Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

I want to visit north Korea one day...

before everything goes south.

How do you make an Asian Blind?

you put a windshield in front of them

A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963.

However, he does not know the exact date. He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him: "Is today before or after the JF-"

"Before"

What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

If we stick together, we can stop this shit.

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You.”

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

“Yesterday." I replied.