You jokes

"Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

"Yes, we arson."

Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie....

It was a partridge on a par 3.

The difference between racism and Asians?

Racism has many faces.

What do you call a breakdancer with dwarfism?

A midget spinner

Happy Cinco De Mayo. A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three

He says "uno, dos..." then disappears without a tres.

A guy took his small daughter with him to work one day...

After he introduced all the other employees to her she began to cry. He asked her what the matter was and she said, "You told Mom that you work with a bunch of clowns. Where are they?"

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

If having sex for money makes you a whore

then having sex for free makes you a non-profit whoreganization

As I got older, I’ve developed this embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during my proctology exams.

It makes my patients feel really uncomfortable.

An Elderly Couple are at home...

An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

I told my kid to not open the door for anyone while I’m not home

Now I’m stuck outside

A psychic just told me I'd go through an unbelievable pain in 12 years

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

I need help with my sex addiction...

I tried fucking everything!

ABORTION BILL

A congressional aide asks a politician, "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?" The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

I crashed into a dwarf at some traffic lights

He got out of his car and said "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

A masochist asks a sadist to hurt him...

...the sadist, smiling, walks away.

A piece of shit walks into the bar

Its my dad. My dad is a piece of shit

A man is walking past the mental hospital

through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.

I have created the only non-racist Chinese joke.

So I went to Chinatown today. There were too many bright lights. I asked them to dim sum.

A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.

"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."