You jokes

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

Same time next month (with finger guns)

My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles

I told him they wouldn't make any scents

how do you know asians have broken into your home?

the dog is gone, the homework is done and they're still trying to get out of the driveway

What has five toes but isn't your foot?

My foot.

Did you know toothpaste was invented in the southern states?

otherwise it’d be called teethpaste.

I love the way the Earth rotates

It really makes my day

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

How often do I put orange slices in my beer?

Oh, once in a Blue Moon.

What do pigs use when they get hurt?

Oink-ment

(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)

Do you know what French people smoke?

Oui’d.

You see comrade, there is no I in team.

But there is u in gulag.

You only need 2.5 inches to pleasure a woman

Doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18

I am really fuckin thick

Thick of not being apprethiated

My ex hated when I started dating her twin sister.

Like it's my fault they're conjoined.

My wife asked me to stop buying stupid shit online.

So I shipped her back to Russia.

My girlfriend treats me like God.

She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.

How can you tell the US is getting back to normal after Covid19?

There's been two mass shootings in the past week

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

The young couple next door to me recently made a sex tape

I mean they do not know it yet.