You jokes

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday.

Not a great gift I know, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

What do you call it when a leprechaun gives you a handjob?

A stroke of luck.

I got arrested while jamming on my guitar..

Apparently, I was fingering A Minor.

A new study found

that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits..

And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims..

Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him

but this isn't even my final form.

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

What is the fastest way to become a millionaire?

Step 1: become a billionaire.

Step 2: buy an EA game.

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount rushmore

Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a Saint.

Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.

I can swallow a rope and poop out a lasso

I shit you knot.

I finally quit drinking for good

Now I drink for evil

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No."

“It’s to look at.”

The companies that dropped Johnny Depp must really regret their decisions

They shouldn't have followed the Heard

If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type,

I'd be her type.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose ?

Nobody knows

The inventor of autocorrect walks into a bar

he asks for a bear

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid napping.

Boyfriend moving in...

Him: Can I set up a cloning machine in the basement?

Me: Sure, make yourself at home.