You jokes

What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear?

Oakley Dokelys

I need to have surgery, because of my cicumcision.

I was born without eyelids, so the doctor said to my mom "all we have to do is circumcise him, and we can make eyelids out of his foreskin." Long story short, I've been cock eyed ever since, I have great fore sight though.

Why can’t water say the whole alphabet?

It only knows H to O

is google male or female?

female: because it refuses to let me finish a sentence before making suggestions

Let me tell you a clean joke. Johny took a bath with bubbles.

Now let me tell you a dirty joke. Bubbles is his neighbor.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, shits on the floor and leaves.

What do hobbit homes with no entrances need?

More doors.

There was a fight in a fish and chip shop!

Two fish got battered ;).

The bravest thing I ever did

I went to a Transgender Alliance Support Meeting.

I waited over an hour to speak.

Heard all the stories.

Finally it was my turn.

"Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's body" I said.

Everyone nodded.

"That's how tight my girlfriends pussy is."

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

Dicks are like paychecks.

You never know how yours compares to others but you always hope it's a little bigger.

After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

It's not surprising that the Japanese have adopted so much of American culture.

The first American product they tested blew everyone away.

My girlfriend just freaked me out...

she gave me a blow job but insisted on role playing as a 12 year old.Fucking weird and gross. I was like "You're going to be 12 in a couple of months, what's the rush?

What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes?

A food fight.

What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla Model S?

The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year

Why do dwarves laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants...

The bartender looks over and says, "Get the fuck out of my bar, we're sick of hearing this goddamn joke."

Why do Indians hate snow?

It's white and it's on their land.

My girlfriend really wants me to quit my job. She says that it is cruel that we do product testing on animals.

We’ve argued back and forth for months, and it is a very tough decision for me since I don’t have a formal education. Every day I come home from work, she becomes more and more distant. I also just got a 20% raise, and will finally be able to give my future family the life they deserve. Last night she gave me an ultimatum, her or my job.

What should I do? I love my girlfriend, but I also love my job at the hammer factory.