A holocaust survivor dies of old age. When she goes to heaven she tells god a holocaust joke.
God responds “I don’t find that funny”
The survivor replies “I guess you had to be there”
Courtesy of Ricky Gervais in “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”
So a cop knocked on my door this morning.
He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'
I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'
I bought my friend an elephant for his room
He said "Thanks"
I said "Don't mention it"
A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:
"Your chest is fucking epic."
The guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas
I told him "I blow right through them"
Why was the middle aged computer sad?
He had a floppy disc.
What's the difference between your dick and a joke?
Nobody laughs at your jokes.
A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....
The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.
What do you call a wizard with a good outlook on life?
An Opti-Mystic.
How is global warming reducing terrorism?
The ISIS melting.
Ugh, I hate millenials...
Walking around here like they rent the place.
What do you call recycled calculus jokes?
Derivative humor.
A relationship with no trust is like having a phone with no service
You just play games.
I’ve recently started investing in stocks
I hope this leads to me finally becoming a bouillonaire someday.
A farmer had 196 cows in his field
When he rounded them up he had 200
Heart-Attacks are overrated
I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life, would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes ?
I’ve been thinking about selling my theremin.
I haven’t touched it in years.
100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
The stables have turned
Give a man some clothes and he’ll be clothed for a day.
Teach a man to weave and he’ll be naked for a very long time.
Man should ejaculate 21 times per month
Research says a man should ejaculate 21 times per month to reduce risk of developing prostate cancer.
It's June 2020 and I'm already done with August 2023