Massaging the wife
Italian : Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.
French : Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 15 minutes.
American : Thats nothing! Last night I massaged my wife with cheese, then made love and made her scream for 2 hours.
Italian and French, astonished : 2 hours ! How !?
American : I wiped my hands on the curtains...
What does a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
The more you play with it the harder it gets
Girl told me she had a dream that I made love to her
I mean, technically, she didn't say "dream," she said "nightmare," but close enough.
Boss: Hey, why are you late for work third time this week!?
Me: Um....'cause it's wednesday?
As I laid in bed looking up at the night sky, I pondered to myself...
What the hell happened to my roof?
So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fuck you Americans too!"
Two blondes are on either sides of a river.
The 1st blonde yells to the other, "How do I get to the other side?!".
The 2nd blonde thinks for a moment and then yells back, "You're already on the other side!"
An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..
He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke. When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"
Before my surgery, my doctor offered to put me under with gas, or just knock me out with a boat paddle...
It was an ether/oar situation
There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.
But apparently not 2 terms.
What do you call a case of premature burial?
A grave mistake.
Why do riot police like to get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.
“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
You've gotta hand it to short people..
Usually because they can't reach it
Man: Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets.
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Ok. I want to contest 4/5 of my parking tickets.
A teacher asks her students,"Can anybody spell before?"
Carey stands up and says, "Before. B -e- f -o- r.Before."
"No that is wrong.Sit down."say4s the teacher."
"Frankie, can you spell before?"
Frankie stands up and says, "Before.B - e- e- f -o-r.Before!"
"No, that's not right either.Tyrone, can you spell before?"
Tyrone stands up and says,"Before. B-e-f-o-r-e! Before!"
"Outstanding!"says the teacher."Now, can you use it in a sentence?"
Tyrone stands up and says,
" 2+2 before."
How do you know if a sniper likes you?
He misses you.
A topless woman robbed a bank.
No one remembers her face.
"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."