You jokes

My nickname in school was Scarface...

...because I was so damn good at knitting.

How are KFC and women alike?

After the breasts and thighs all you have is a greasy box to throw your bone in.

A rental van ran over my foot today...

Fucking Hertz!

An alcoholic wakes up in jail

He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"

the officer replies "for drinking"

The man replies "great, when do we start?"

I come from a family of failed magicians

I have 2 half sisters

A snake walks in to a bar...

Barman says "you can't do that"!

My favorite sex position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body

I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there

Why do orphans go to church? Because they can finally call someone father.

Why can't orphans go on school field trips?

Parent Signature: _______

Girl: "Come over." Orphan: "I can’t." Girl: "My parents aren’t home ;)" Orphan: "Oh, cool, something we have in common."

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Because it's a family company.

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"