You jokes

A teacher asked me

“If I gave you £20 and you gave £5 to Katie, £5 to Claire and £5 to Lauren, what would you have?”

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and a kebab is not the answer.

There's a movie coming out about a big rig truck.

Have you seen the trailer?

Jack an Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill's candy

Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, because Jill's real name was Randy.

There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge.

One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you." And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg".

Car company executives must have the best memories in the world

because GM recalls everything.

A woman approaches me as I'm playing my guitar. "Excuse me, is that a Squier Stratocaster?" I may have overreacted when I responded:

"DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY FENDER?!"

Redneck murders are hard to solve.

Never any dental records and all the DNA's the same.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer

I saw it through my telescope last night.

As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan

It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.

Why was one-fifth so nervous?

It was too tense.

I like my women like my weather...

Moist and unstable.

A little girl was in class talking to her teacher.

"I had a kitty who stuttered." Said the little girl. "I was in the back yard with it when a Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"

“That must've been scary!” said the teacher.

“It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty raised his back and went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"

Last week Oxygen took potassium on a date and it was just OK

Then yesterday I saw Oxygen with a date with Magnesium and I was like OMg

A vegan, an atheist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar...

I only know because they told everybody

A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

What’s the cheapest part of a house?

The roof tiles, because they’re on the house.

Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie

Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"

Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"

Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

A prisoner called Andrea wants to prove her strength...

So she starts a weightlifting competition and wins! Turns out the powerhouse of the cell is the might of con 'Drea.

Do you know what I call my hiking playlist?

My trail mix

Man: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please"

Waitress: *slaps his face*

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"