You jokes

“Ever since she lost her job, my wife’s identical twin sister is living with us until she gets on her feet”

I told my friend.

He asked “just want to know , how do you tell them apart ?”

“ why should I ?”

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, obviously. How they got inside the lightbulb is the part I don't understand...

Why did the blond girl became the Invisible Woman?

Because she has to be dense enough for light to bend around her

Why can't they make CSI: Alabama?

Because all the DNA is the same

I had a hen who could count her own eggs

She was a mathamachicken

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

I saw a guy getting jumped by 4 people so I decided to step in and help...

That guy stood no chance against the 5 of us.

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

Why are Native Americans the most successfull strippers?

Because when they dance, they make it rain.

I hate when revolving doors move too fast

It's a pane in the ass

I was in bed with this redneck girl when all of a sudden her father, her brother and her boyfriend burst into the room

And boy was he mad.

So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.

Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? "

He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "

I created a new word today.

Plagiarism.

My wd-40 can rusted.

It was irony.

Why was Billy Joel's laundry still wet?

Because he didn't start the dryer

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

Two blondes are trying to unlock their car with a coat hanger.

One says, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top's down!"

I bought a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav

Total waste of money, all it ever does it tell me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

What sexual position creates the ugliest kids?

Ask your parents

What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekyl

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