You jokes

What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?

“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”

Then

“Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”

I Screwed Your Mom

A young guy is sitting at the bar when an old drunk stumbles in, sits down next to him, and says, "I just screwed your mom." The young guy ignores him, but a few minutes later the old drunk leans over again and says, "Your mom is the best screw I've ever had." The young guy ignores him again, so the old drunk leans over and says, "Your mom's ass is so tight, I-" at which point the young man stood up and yelled, "GO HOME DAD, YOU'RE DRUNK."

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

I had sex with a fat chick last night but I was really nervous...

There was a lot riding on me.

Why do jewish women like circumcised penises?

What jew doesn't like 10% off?

What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bisexual hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie and tie dye watching sci-fi on wifi.

Credits: my bud

I tired to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi”

'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’

For sale: The entire Internet on 33,674,964,367 DVDs.

Or without porn, on 54 DVDs.

I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.

I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.

What's next to Moscow?

Pa's cow. I'll show myself out...

A duck walks into a store

“Got any duct tape?”

The owner answers, “no, and get out of here, you dumb duck!”

The duck comes back in a little while later, wearing a fake mustache. “Got any duct tape?”

“NO! And get out, I won’t tell you again,” the owner shouts.

A while later, the duck comes back with a hat and glasses. “Got any duct tape?”

“No, you stupid duck!!! And if you ask me again, I’ll staple your beak to the floor!”

The duck pauses.

“Got any staples?”

“Err... no...”

“Got any duct tape?”

Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays...

It's called "The Salivation Army"

a fly stayed on pence's head for a couple of minutes at tonight's debate

at least the fly knew when his two minutes were up.

Four gents are on the golf course...

... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"

I was kicked out of the army because I got gonorrhea

It was a dishonorable discharge

My penis was once in the Guiness Book of World Records

But the librarian made me take it out.

Erectile disfunction support group has been cancelled

Nobody could come

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

Mom: "How was school today, Noah?"

Noah: "It was awesome! Today we made explosives!"

Mom: "Very interesting. What will you do in school tomorrow?"

Noah: "What school?"