You jokes

What do gay horses eat?

Horse dick

I'm getting a tattoo of an elephant on my ear...

The only reason I'm doing this is so when people ask me "Why do you have a tattoo of an elephant on your ear?" I can say "Don't worry about it. It's ear elephant."

In a libertarian society, would there be vending machines selling heroin on the sidewalk right outside of elementary schools?

Of course not! For starters, there wouldn't be any sidewalks.

The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

A father says to his son, "Son, you're adopted."

Son: "What? That's not funny, dad."

Dad: "Yup, pack your stuff, they'll be here in an hour."

I understand now why women have long hair

If I had to pay as much for a haircut, I'd put it off too.

I just successfully robbed a bank!

Now what to do with all this sperm...

why don't witches where underwear

So they can get a better grip on the broom

There was a plane crash and every single person died

All the married couples survived

I’m Buzz Aldrin, the second person to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

A man had a portal to a secret world in his house

Every night he would step through the portal and leave his chatty wife, screaming kids and dirty dog behind. He would be completely alone and calm. But then his feet would cramp up and he had to wipe his ass and get back to reality.

Just helped a cop sweep up some broken glass.

That was my first brush with the law.

I submitted ten puns into a pun contest, wanna know how many won?

No pun in ten did

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?"

She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."

He says, "Well, wash your fuckin' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

What is a pirates nightmare date?

A girl with a sunken chest and no booty

I made a chicken salad this morning.

Stupid thing didn't even eat it.

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease with an option to buy.

There's a strange new trend at work, people are writing names on the food in the company fridge

Today I had a chicken sandwich named Kevin

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

Dad Joke

Dad: (Grabs his chest) Call me an ambulance

Son: You are........ an ambulance

Dad: Proud of you son.