You jokes

I hope you don't get your period on Valentine's Day.

It's going to be a pain in the ass.

If you say a number loud enough its value increases.

* 5 = 5 * 5! = 120

2 Nazis walk into a BAR

They each get 10 shots

A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...

He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.” Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.” He was right, I did laugh.

My cousins are like the letter K.

They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.

What does Mario use to talk to dead people?

A Luigi Board

If quarantine is knocking you down here are some things you can try to get back up again:

Drink a whiskey drink

Drink a vodka drink

Drink a lager drink

Drink a cider drink

Sing the songs that remind you of the good times

Sing the songs that remind you of the better times

A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.

Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:

“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”

Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.

“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”

Relieved that this isn’t as bad as she feared, the woman asks for the good news to which the doctor replied:

“It’s dead.”

I walked into a library.

I said, "Have you got any books on..."

"Telepathy?"

"Yes."

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green

At least I avacado

Something you can say at a drive through window and during sex? Il go first

It’s ok i will come inside..

Your momma so old...

You should call her and check in. Just say hello. Tell her you love her.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

Jane ate her friend's lunch.

Jane ate her friend's colon.

Not saying my Ex was fat

But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

In 2022, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.

It's a solid plan.

I did my personal best in the 100 metres today....

74 metres.

An E, F Sharp, G, A, B, C, D, and another E walk into a bar.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “sorry, we don’t serve minors here.”

I found a pot of gold today...

Au yeah