A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.
He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.
To the handicapped guy who stole my bag
You can hide but you can't run
I stole a Tom Cruise movie from the store the other day...
It was Risky Business.
An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser.
Barman: Oh, you must be American. American: You can tell from my order and accent, huh? Barman: No, because you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen.
Science puns make me numb
But math puns make me number.
I dont get it
If someone donates 1 kindey, they're hailed a hero, but I donate 5 and get arrested!?
Most gun duels in the old west could have been prevented.
If only the city planners had made towns big enough for everyone.
Dad: Say daddy
Baby: Mommy.
Dad: No. Say daddy.
Baby: Mommy.
Dad: Fuck! Say daddy!
Baby: Fuck!
Dad: What did you say?
Baby: Fuck!
Mom: I'm home!
Baby: Fuck!
Mom: What? Where did you hear that?
Baby: Daddy.
Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.
After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.
Boss's daughter!
Employee: Sir, you called me?
Boss: Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate.
Employee, after few minutes: Done sir.
Boss: Do it again.
Employee: Done again, sir.
Boss: Do it once more.
Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.
Boss: Very good, here are my keys, drop my daughter at home.
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He's disqualified
Sure, white people can't say the n-word, but....
At least we can say, "hey dad", "thanks for the warning officer", and "that's my kid".
Have you ever had sex while camping?
Its fucking intense.
I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.
4G must've fried their brains.
What is Thanos favourite social media?
Obviously Snapchat
A good nickname for Donald Trump would be "Slinky"
He serves no real purpose but it would make me smile to push him down some stairs.
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question
"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
Not sure why people are getting grief for using ivermectin to combat covid
The label clearly states it is safe for use in donkeys and jackassess.
I was stranded in the swamp for days with no food
I had no choice but to hunt down large white birds and eat them. Through the whole ordeal, I found myself filled with egret.
Quick question...
How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?