Jokes

When my girlfriend says, "Unlock your phone. I need to check something." I just look at her crazy.

I don't even let my wife do that.

How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won't screw

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

A king’s wife was often unfaithful to him.

The king, suspecting this, decided to find out for himself. While his wife was sleeping, he snuck in and taped a bunch of razor blades to her vagina.

A week later he ordered all the knights in his kingdom to stand before him.

He ordered them to all drop their pants. They all had injured penises but one. The king went up to this knight and said, “thank you for being so loyal to me.” The knight nodded, and replied, “Oh, ith nothing, thir.”

Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D.

Sadly it can't focus.

For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.

I have no words to say how angry I am.

A blond is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men died from Coronavirus.

She cried and asked, "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?"

Had sex with an Asian, a black and a white in the same night.

Perks of having a Panda.

There’s no home cooking in lesbian households

only eating out

They say “Dress for the job you want.”

How do I dress like a blow job?

I sat in my closed garage with the car on for 30 mins...

before I realized I shouldn't have gone with the Tesla.

Once you go black...

..you become a single mother.

^^^sorry

There is a fine line between the denominator and the numerator

Only a fraction of people will find this funny

Wanna hear a joke about overdosing on cocaine?

I can't remember all of it, but the last line's a killer.

I like my women like I like my phones

Thin, smart, imported from Japan, and in my pocket all the time.

A man's car gets haunted by a ghost

So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.

The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice.

So I went to the library and asked the woman there, "do you have any books on shelves?"

I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to this realization.