Jokes

"Thank you for the glass of milk earlier", I said to the sperm bank employee.

"What glass of milk?", he replied.

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.

"Oh my god!"

Me: What?

"That was my glass of milk."

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?

It’s when a British person takes a good look at something

To what would you change the name of a kid named Hunter if he becomes a vegetarian?

....Gatherer

A woman goes to her Gynecologist. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

Woman: "Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those Aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."

"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"

The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:

"We tried, but nobody would take you"

A doctor and an archeologist start flirting

After a while of the doctor asks: -“What do you do for a living” -“Im an archeologist” she answers The doctor responds: -“Then I guess this isnt going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people”

What do you call eating ass on an airplane?

Skyrim

The Telegram

"Telegram"

Oh boy, I've always wanted a singing telegram!

"Oh, it's not a singing telegram, just a regular telegram"

Oh come on, you can sing it, can't ya?

"I really shouldn't"

How about for $5?

"Ugh... I don't think so"

$10?

"Sir..."

$20?! Come on man, I have wanted a singing telegram all my life. You got to.

"I don't feel comfortable..."

You stupid punk. OK... $50. Can you just sing the stupid telegram?!

"Ok, sir... you asked for it"

"Buh-duh bud-duh, buh-buh... your sister Rose is dead..."

Are you Nike? Because we should just do it.

Are you a basketball hoop? Because I want to put my balls in you.

Are you a photo biographer? Because I can picture us together.

So a man orders a dozen margaritas.

A man walks into a bar and immediately orders a dozen margaritas.

The bartender says, "Wow, what's the special occasion?"

The man looks up at the bartender and says, "First blowjob."

The bartender says, "Ah, I remember my first blowjob. How 'bout an extra margarita on the house?"

The man replied, "No thanks, if 12 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will."

What do you call a dog magician?

A labracadabrador.

What do lesbian pirates say while having sex?

“Scissor me timbers”

There's an old saying that goes "You are what you eat".

I suppose that would explain why my vegan friend has been in a coma all this time.

Why does Hitler like acetone?

It's a Polish Remover

Why does the Earth make fun of the moon?

Because it has no life

My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old...

... but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.

The owner asks him “What makes you think you’re qualified for a job here?”

The man replies: “Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to the 18th century.”

The owner is shocked and confused: “Dear God, but what does that have to do with the job?”

The man replied: “I’m trying to say I come from a long line of Bart enders.”