Jokes

I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018

It's my new year's resolution.

My brother David had his ID stolen

Now he's just Dav

I hate breakups.

Especially when they try to let you down gently. "It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins".

What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at karate?

The Carroty Kid.

Russian POW calls home: 'Mum, I've been captured'.

Mum: 'Where are you?' POW: 'Ukraine.' Mum: 'Can you get us a Big Mac?'

Fuck Chuck Norris ..

If he is as strong and powerful as everyone states, I dare him to come to my house and bash my head in the keyboarddfrljkl;kjtpog496yasdfjknxirhsmfsjfigdjsyebxhsueyxbxjdobdbzhcvhsivdbdindgdyhdbisbdbdhbshhshsudjshgsidbbdhdydhdbksjdbdyyshdbuendheibdjdidn

The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite

So he went back four seconds

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends..

I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.

The contact lens is mans greatest invention

At least in my eyes

My wife suspected I was cheating, so to catch me she hired a prostitute to flash her breasts and try to seduce me.

I didn't fall for that shit... I can spot a booby trap a mile away.

I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position

Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a fast food worker and an alcoholic,

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

Harry was blind...

... His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday. When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.

Hi Lads.

Iv'e got a load of Victoria Secret Bra sets just arrived which will make a lovely Christmas present.

If you can send me a picture of your wife's tits, I'll let you know if I have any that will fit.

Merry Christmas..

Mountain climbers do so much climbing

Don’t they Everest?

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they settled into their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

Two male deer are leaving a gay bar

One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

They say certain types of people can resist a good click bait.

Apparently you aren’t one of them.