Jokes

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Did you hear about the cheese who works out?

It was shredded.

A drunk guy enters a taxicab...

\- Take us to the...

\- ”Us”? Which ”us”, you're alone!?

Drunk guy looks at him, somewhat bewildered:

\- Wh-what, are you saying you ain't going?

I just found out that i have two weeks to live

My wife just went on vacation

If you think about it, humans eat more bananas than monkeys

I mean have *you* ever eaten a monkey?

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"No," I said. "I mean being single."

If you drink the liquid from a Magic 8 Ball you can tell the future..

My friend Keith did it once and then said he was gonna die, and he did

Maybe if I fall in love with my anxiety

it'll leave me too.

What do you call a woman that has sex for spaghetti?

A pastatute

I was fairly confident that the German prostitute was actually a man, but I hired them anyway in case I was wrong.

I was hoping for the breast but expecting the wurst.

Put the punchline in the title

How do you ruin a good joke?

I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem

But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.

Teach a Nigerian to fish...

He'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start emailing people.

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "nevermind"

My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex".

But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".

A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.

"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.

Whispers the man, "Three million."

"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."

When I was a kid...

... our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. Poor onion. He was such a good dog.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

What does an old woman have between her boobs that a young woman does not?

A bellybutton