Jokes

My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...

Then I saw her face.

What does a prostitute and a bungee jump have in common?

They both cost a lot, last 5 seconds, and if the rubber splits you're fucked.

What do you call a Corvette following a Camaro at high speeds?

Chevy Chase.

People complain a lot about dealing with erectile dysfunction

But it's not exactly hard, is it?

What confuses a gay person?

Seven

A mosquito landed on my wife's face while she was asleep

Easiest decision of my life

Prostitute Joke.

Man : How much for a blowjob?

Prostitute : Ummm $20

Man : Ohhh Damn, it was $80 for my friend. I guess I am your favourite.

Prostitute : Cut it out, I charge $10 per inch.

In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison...

Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain. However poison IV would make you really itchy.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5

She asked "what's that?"

I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"

Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work?

Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns

Husband: Divorce is strong in this one

My girlfriend's dad just gave me the green light.

Which was very generous, but I don't find him sexy.

Why shouldn’t you ride in an airplane with Ben Shapiro?

Because he’s always trying to destroy the left wing.

I’m all for gender fluidity. In fact, I sexually identify as a Non-Newtonian Fluid.

I’m flaccid and slippery most of the time, but getting slapped makes me hard.

If you lose one senses, your other senses become stronger.

That's why people without a sense of humour have such a high sense of self importance

How much dessert does a dieting Jedi eat at an Italian restaurant?

Only one cannoli.

God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome

God: *creates birds*

How do birds fuck?

With their peckers.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomically low

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

Parallel lines have so much in common...

It's a shame they'll never meet.