My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full dominatrix bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.
I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.
A man, crying in pain, complains to the dentist “It feels like my left jaw is possessed by the devil!”
“Oh! Then eat right and exorcise”
I’m done being a people pleaser
If everyone’s ok with that
No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”
The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.
A douchebag slides up to a girl at a bar and says, “I’d really like to get into your pants”
She says, “No thanks, I’ve already got one asshole in there, I don’t need another.”
I got fired on the first day of my new job at the hospital
Apparently telling all the COVID patients to stay positive is not a good thing.
Neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3AM
My neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3am. Can you believe it!? Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
"Anybody here named Jeff?"
Jeff: "Yes"
Geoff: "Yeos"
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
BAA-DUMM-TSSS
I like my women like I like my wine
Eight years old and locked up in a cellar
The Masturbating Mime
Police in Paris have finally caught the elusive mime known for masturbating in public and harassing tourists. In a statement, Police Chief claims "he came quietly"
A family with a little boy is driving behind a trash truck.
Suddenly, a dildo flies out of the truck and hits the windshield. To save her son‘s innocence, his mother goes: "Wow that was a huge bug!" To which her son replies: "Dang, how is that bug flying with a cock that big!?"
PSA: Vegans and Vegetarians should stop eating brown sugar immediately!
It's made out of mole asses
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
What does the blanket say when it falls off the bed?
"Sheet."
I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.
I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.
I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD
and found out I have Gary Busey
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could get his Master's degree.
I ate a contradiction the other day...
it constipated the shit out of me.