Jokes

LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

What did Medusa tell the perv before she turned him into stone?

My eyes are up here

A woman is taken to court...

The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"

The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."

When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."

A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells, “I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!”

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?”

Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”;

Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier and says: “Who were YOU thinking about?”.

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

Do you know why they always called him Lord Vader?

Because when they tried Master Vader it made all the stormtroopers giggle.

A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar

They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.

The bartender says "that'll be 2020"

What's the volume of a pizza with a radius of z and a thickness of a?

Pi * z * z * a

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846. JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860. JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy. Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.

--- Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "those are just contractions."

Some people are like Slinkies.

Not really good for anything, but they can still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

A guy is sitting in a bar drinking.

After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls. He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again. He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground. His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"

Why don't Africans go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again.

Where do muslims go when they die?

Everywhere.

What is reverse exorcism?

When the devil tells the priest to exit the child’s body

What's the difference between a cat and a semicolon?

One is a pause at the end of a clause and the other has claws at the ends of its paws.

I just called the paranoia hotline.

A guy answered, “How did you get this number?!”

Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "

An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:

" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "

Italian: " Hey, wassup lady??? I just tella my friend, how to spella Mississippi....."

What do you call a skinny Pakistani cow?

A moo-slim.

I stopped drinking water while studying chemistry

My notes say adding water decreases concentration