Jokes

I was kidnapped by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

A condom that is 100% effective . . .

is inconceivable.

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?

An electron

**I was talking to my girlfriend the other day about reincarnation.**

She asked "what actually is reincarnation?"

I said to her, "well, its when you die and come back as something completely different."

"So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed!!

I said, "you"re not listening are you.....?

Why was the Pepsi employee fired?

He tested positive for coke.

A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.

She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?“

“It was 1959“, says the pilot.

"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"

Pilot looks at his watch and says "Well, considering it's only 2025 now..."

What religion do ghosts adhere to?

Boodhism

You should never have sex with anyone in your family...

Even if they inceest.

My parrot died today...

His last words were

“Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die”

Fact

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their bodies...... Men are so polite that they only look at the covered parts!

I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off

I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again

What’s yellow and hurts if you get it in you eye?

A bulldozer

A young adult named Bob enters a confessional

Bob: “Forgive me father, for I have sined.”

Priest: “It’s pronounced ‘sinned’, but that’s unimportant, what have you done?”

Bob: “I divided the opposite side by the Hypotenuse on a right triangle”

Teach us About Absolute Zero!

0K!

Mad cow disease

Two cows were talking over the fence bordering their farms.

The first cow said "Have you heard about this mad cow disease, it's spreading really fast."

The second cow responded "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

“HEY! So what did you get for Christmas?” The second little boy pauses and says “well I got a gift card and a t-shirt...you?”

The first little boy excitedly replies ”Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can’t believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt!” to which the second little boy replies “well...at least I don’t have cancer...”

A man and wife are thinking of ways to spice up their sex life.

“I know!” says the husband. “Let’s act out a rape fantasy!”

“No. I will not do that” says the wife. The husband goes....

“That’s the spirit!”

A guy with Parkinson's, a sadist, and an epileptic were sitting in a bar

Then the sadist tells the guy with Parkinson's: Can you turn on the light please, it's a little dark in here.

There's an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin, and salt in a can

Don't open it, it's spam

I accept that my son is only average at school...

...he means well.