1 jokes

If you had $1 for every time you've masturbated

What color would your Bugatti be?

I've discovered that 1+1 can, in fact, equal 3.

Because I wasn't wearing a condom.

What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?

Chicago

2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven

They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.

Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2: “I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is that there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you’re scheduled to pitch next week.”

Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible.

Well, tell him I can't see him right now.

Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?

They checked the reviews.. only 1 star

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs. 2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

Men need to start going to target to meet women

The women to men ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: My dad is in the hospital

*1 week later*

Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?

Student: Yes, he is a doctor

A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal

... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!"

The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!"

The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?"

From my dad.

"Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1...2...3...4...5..." Did you notice you said nothing at all?

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far.

If you were food, what would you be?

Friend 1: Pizza because I’m so cheesy. Friend 2: Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends. Me: Donut because I’m so empty inside.

How much memory does it take to store a joke?

1 Gigglebyte.

A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep...

...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.

-1:0 I am winning, - says the man. Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.

-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.

Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he farts and craps all over his bed side.

-Half time break, change of sides, - says the man calmly.

I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day

Because being ugly every day sucks... :(

I just realized that everyone tries to avoid me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

So I was looking up popular pornographic search terminology...

Turns out FFM, Bondage, and Watersports are a three way tie for #1.

Why does 0 = 1?

Cos 0 = 1

Apparently 1 in 3 households live next door to a pedophile

Not me though, I live next to two smoking hot 7 year olds.