Jokes

I totally understand how batteries feel...

because I'm rarely ever included in things either

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.

She's ninety-three today and we don't know where the hell she is.

Today I ran out of toilet paper and had to resort to lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg.

A man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him...

The official cause of death was, "Exposure to the Elements".

What do you call a person with severe ADHD

AD4K

The waiter came up to our table.

He said, "Can I take your order?"

I said, "Sure."

He said, "Thanks, I'm just really hungry."

Doesn't the "B" in LGBT

... imply there are only 2 genders?

The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.

I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”

You know the problem with political jokes?

Sometimes they get elected.

Dirty Blonde

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked...

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact I knew where he lived...

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

what do you get when you finger a gypsy on her period?

Your palm red

Lately people have been trying to get me to jump off a dock

But I don't give into pier pressure.

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a blonde, a duck and a horse walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "is this some kind of joke?"

Why do skydiving companies have excellent reviews?

Because it was awesome for the people who survived

If Turkey was attacked from the rear

Would Greece help?

I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up.

The parrot was cool though.

What's the opposite of a waterfall?

A firefly!

I will now leave.

What's better than winning the lottery?

Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.