Jokes

What did one lonely penis say to the other?

I just want to belong.

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard!

So I was at the Library today

.. And a black Gentleman came over to me and asked where the coloured printer was. I replied "Man its 2016 you can use any printer!"

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

Girls are evil...

(Saw this about 10 years ago)

If you have a girlfriend, then you know they cost time and money. Therefore:

Girls = time × money But: time = money So: Girls = money x money Which means: Girls = money^2

Now we all know that money is the root of all evil. So: Money = sq.root(evil)

And now: Girls = (sq.root (evil))^2

Which means: Girls = Evil

At the job interview, I asked what is the salary like. They said I'll start at minimum wage and make double of that in two years.

Ok, I'll be back in two years.

What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?

Can I crash at your place tonight?

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing “I'm a Believer”...

Then I saw her face...

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless guy.

He said, “Fuck off. Get your own.”

Whats the difference between a cooked sweet potato and a flying pig

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

I am transfinancial

I am a rich guy trapped in the body of a poor guy

What’s considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?

Manipulating the stock market

To those who say "alcohol is not the solution":

Alcohol is a solvent. By definition, it's part of the solution.

LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

What did Medusa tell the perv before she turned him into stone?

My eyes are up here

A woman is taken to court...

The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"

The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."

When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."