Jokes

Just had a stack of toilet rolls fall on me in the supermarket

I'm ok though, just soft tissue damage

Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.

He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.

I saw a Nun with her clothes inside-out today...

I asked her about it, and she said it was *a bad habit of hers*

I know taking your date to a forest isn't what everyone does...

But I'm into sappy stuff like that.

When I drink alcohol... Everyone says that I'm alcoholic

But When I drink Fanta... No one says I’m fantastic.

My wife and I decided we only want one kid.

Now we just need to figure out a way to let the other one know she has to go.

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body. Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight. I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads

"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

It's hard to explain a pun to a kleptomaniac

because they always take things literally.

The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house

And I thought to myself "that could've been me"

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus

So I heard the royal baby was 8 pounds.

That's awfully cheap for a human baby.

Australians don't have sex...

Australians mate.

My boss calls me "the computer".

Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant...

but then I changed my mind.

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.

If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.

My roommate is gay

There was this boy who went away to college, and came back for Christmas.

Over drinks with his dad by the fireplace, he told his dad: "Dad, I think my roommate is gay."

Dad asks: "Well, what makes you think so?"

Son replies: "His dick tastes like shit."

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Teach 100 men to fish, you're the single biggest threat to our ecosystem.

It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

I asked my dog what two minus two was...

He said nothing