Jokes

If you were born in September

It's safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang !

A wizard doesn't finger his wife...

Elixir

What's the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?

Having to clean the monitor.

proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.

She believes I’m just after my money.

How did the hipster burn his lips?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye

So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

Communist jokes aren’t funny

Unless everyone gets them

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She’s Tolkien in her sleep.

A lady went into a sex shop and asked the attendant: "My good man, do you sell vibrators?"

"Yes," was the reply. "Come this way," he gestured, moving his finger.

"If I could come that way I wouldn't need the damn vibrator!"

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

Horror at the zoo

A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says

*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*

The man responds, *What happened?*

*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*

The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*

What do Caitlyn Jenner and Wolverine have in common?

They are both X-Men.

Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.

They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.

The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had fours doors they would be chicken sedans.

A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. 'Can I help' says the man 'I haven't ordered a piano tuner'

'I know you haven't' replies the piano tuner 'Your neighbours did for you'

a graphic designer, an astrophysicist, a dentist and an electrician walk into a bar

it was queen and they were playing their first gig

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self harmony

"Talk dirty to me!"she begged.

"Alright," he said leaning closer, "Volkswagon diesel!"