Jokes

I was going to post a Michael Brown joke..

..but I'm afraid it would just get shot down.

What happens when you call a duck?

His phone wings

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

What's the difference between a Humanities student and a large order of pizzas?

One of them can feed a family.

How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama

One Mississippi

My gay friend just came out a couple of weeks ago.

Now the whole world is telling them to go back and stay inside.

Hey girl, are you a gorilla enclosure?

Because i'd put a baby in you

What do you call a punctuation mark that's got a girlfriend?

..accommodating.

There are a lot of double standards in dating. Like if a girl has sex with a bunch of dudes, she called a "slut."

If I do it, I'm called a "homosexual."

Did you hear? Copies of The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Silmarillion are considered one-of-a-kind when sold and traded.

They're Non-Fungible Tolkiens.

Why did the adobe acrobat document go to jail?

Because it was a pdf file.

A drunk stumbles out of the bar at 7am....

As he walks home, he sees a nun walking towards him. He stares her down the entire time as they get closer and closer. Right as they are about to pass, he punches her right in the face, knocking her out cold, then stands over her body and yells, "Not so tough today, are ya, Batman?".

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke? No.

Do you eat too much? No.

Do you go to bed late? No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

A Blonde Tries To Solve A

A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

I told my daughter, "Go to bed. The cows are in the field."

Puzzled, she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I told her, "That means it's pasture bedtime!"

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

With my wife, we have decided we don't want to have children.

The children don't appreciate this much though.

Son told his dad he loves the girl next door

"Son, you can't love her. She's my secret daughter with another wife."

"But dad, what about the other girl next next door?"

"Sorry, son. She's also my secret daughter with the other wife."

Son walks away with tears in his eyes after knowing the truth. Mom heard it all and approaches to him

"Honey, you can love the girls next door if you want to. You're not your dad's son anyway."

People say I'm crazy for trying to invent a mind-controlled air freshener...

but it makes scents when you think about it.