Baby jokes

"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.

The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."

I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing...

And now my pet snake has a huge tumor

Baby Roach: "Papa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?"

Papa Roach: "Suffocation. No breathing."

Why does the population of Detroit never change?

Because as soon as a baby is born, some guy leaves town.

I've lost 7lbs this week.

Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".

Who is the greatest?

A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all

BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest

VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest

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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.

The husband replied, you don't remember do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

Naming the new royal baby

Rumours were that Harry and Meghan we going to name the child “Seatbelt”

When questioned about this, Prince Harry responded with “Its what my mum would have wanted”

There are five cows on a farm: one mama cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well, honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because, honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replies, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying ten babies in one trashcan. Morbid humor would be saying one baby in ten trashcans.

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look confused and ask, “Why do you want to be a boxer?” He proudly replies, “So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.”

where do babies come from

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

You may be a 6 in looks and a 7 in bed, but when it comes to piss play, baby...

Urinate.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when asked about not upgrading to Windows 10 ?

"I still love Vista, baby".

I only sleep with democrats.

That way, I don't have to worry about the baby afterwards.

Jesus can walk on water, babies are 72% water, I can walk on babies therefore I am 72% Jesus

I’m also 100% in jail