A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.
"What are you supposed to be, then?" the confused host asks.
"I'm a turtle," the man replies.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host says. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"
"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"
A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.
He said he'd be right back
A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.
He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?
The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.
The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?
The marine says: No sir.
One of the generals takes a ruler and starts to measure. But he does not find the balls.
General:Where are your balls marine?
Marine: In vietnam
"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven
They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.
Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2: “I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is that there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you’re scheduled to pitch next week.”
Topless carwash
So these kids in school are trying to find new ways to raise money. They suggest a few ideas, all of which are shot down by their teacher. Finally a kid says ‘I get it! We should do a topless carwash!’
Very carefully, the teacher asks: ‘what do you mean?’
The kid says, ‘well, we can’t reach the roofs of the cars, so we will just do the sides and the front and back’
If quarantine is knocking you down here are some things you can try to get back up again:
Drink a whiskey drink
Drink a vodka drink
Drink a lager drink
Drink a cider drink
Sing the songs that remind you of the good times
Sing the songs that remind you of the better times
A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.
Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:
“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”
Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.
“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”
Relieved that this isn’t as bad as she feared, the woman asks for the good news to which the doctor replied:
“It’s dead.”
A young naive couple get married NSFW
After the reception they head back to the hotel, get undressed and are simply standing facing each other.
‘This isn’t right’, the husband Dave says, ‘Let me call my dad’.
His dad tells him he’s an idiot and all he needs to do it stick the hardest part of his body into where she pisses.
A few minutes later the dad gets another call, but this time it’s the daughter in law and she’s hysterical
‘You gotta come here quick. Dave’s got his head stuck in the toilet!’
Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone
It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.
She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"
Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"
Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.
He asks the driver whats wrong.
Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"
A man walks into a bar with a gun
And shouts, "Who the hell fucked my wife?!" A man in the back replied "You haven't got enough bullets mate!"
Is the ocean salty because...
the land doesn't wave back?
One day a girl realised she was growing hair between her legs
She asked her mom what it was and her mom replied back 'the part where the hair is growing is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey is growing hair'
During dinner she told her sister that her monkey had grown hair and the sister replied 'that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas'
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
I removed the rear view mirror from my car.
I haven't looked back since.
I loaned my girlfriend five hundred dollars a couple years ago. Today she gave me the money back.
I broke up with her because I lost interest in the relationship.
One day, a cowboy rode into town.
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon. When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing.
The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, and when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."
The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"
The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home."
a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day
When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.
She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
My mother-in-law recently bought a talking parrot, but after a week she said she was taking it back.
"This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.
"I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.