**I was talking to my girlfriend the other day about reincarnation.**
She asked "what actually is reincarnation?"
I said to her, "well, its when you die and come back as something completely different."
"So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed!!
I said, "you"re not listening are you.....?
The multiple times I talk to God it's called praying
But the one time God talks back to me I'm labeled as a schizophrenic
So I was at the bar the other day...
...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.
Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.
She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."
I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, "Do you have a pen?"
She replied "Of course!"
"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone."
An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.
While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said "Ok, that's great", finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks. When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful. "Good" he said. "Now that we've cleared out your sinuses let's work on your hearing."
Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars
Ah sorry, spoilers
In the words of Bill Murray...
An Irish man knocks on the door of an old lady, he says he's broke and looking for work. The old lady says "Sure, I'll pay you to paint my porch." So she gives the Irish man some paint and he leaves.
One hour later the man comes back, "Are you already done?" the lady asked, "Aye." said the Irish man, "But it's not a porch it's a Mazda."
My Wife told me to treat her like a princess
So I put her in the back of my car and crashed it into a tunnel
Joke told in the Soviet Union
(For context only 1/7 Soviets owned a car, and once you paid up front there was a 10 year wait to get one)
A man walks into the car store wanting to buy a car. He pays the man at the counter and the man at the counter says “Alright, just come back in 10 years to pick one up.” The man replies “Morning or afternoon?” The dealer says “Well, 10 years from now what difference does it make?” The man replies “Well, the plumbers coming over in the morning.”
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...
"Screw you" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.
My roommate is gay
There was this boy who went away to college, and came back for Christmas.
Over drinks with his dad by the fireplace, he told his dad: "Dad, I think my roommate is gay."
Dad asks: "Well, what makes you think so?"
Son replies: "His dick tastes like shit."
An Englishman, and Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are sitting in the back of a bar...
The bartender waved to them and asks, “Hey, you guys back there! Can you see me?”
The men look up and respond:
“Yes!” “Oui!” “Si!” “Ja!”
A man had a portal to a secret world in his house
Every night he would step through the portal and leave his chatty wife, screaming kids and dirty dog behind. He would be completely alone and calm. But then his feet would cramp up and he had to wipe his ass and get back to reality.
A duck walks into a store
“Got any duct tape?”
The owner answers, “no, and get out of here, you dumb duck!”
The duck comes back in a little while later, wearing a fake mustache. “Got any duct tape?”
“NO! And get out, I won’t tell you again,” the owner shouts.
A while later, the duck comes back with a hat and glasses. “Got any duct tape?”
“No, you stupid duck!!! And if you ask me again, I’ll staple your beak to the floor!”
The duck pauses.
“Got any staples?”
“Err... no...”
“Got any duct tape?”
The head of KFC called the Pope
He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 10 million.
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 100 million.
The Pope said, "You have a deal!"
The Pope got all the churches big wigs together and said, "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, we are 100 million richer. Bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.
What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?
"Everyone got seat belts on back there?"
My gay friend just came out a couple of weeks ago.
Now the whole world is telling them to go back and stay inside.
A Blonde Tries To Solve A
A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"
A woman is golfing with some friends.
After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.
She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says, "What can I help you with?"
The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee.
The pro asks, "Oh really, where?"
The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole."
To that the golf pro states, "Well, first of all, your stance is way too wide."
A policeman spotted an elderly lady driving while knitting.
"Pullover!" he screamed.
"No, it's a scarf!" she yelled back.