One day, a cowboy rode into town.
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon. When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing.
The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, and when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."
The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"
The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home."
a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day
When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.
She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
My mother-in-law recently bought a talking parrot, but after a week she said she was taking it back.
"This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.
"I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.
As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five...
But he just left him hanging.
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!'
Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...
Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?"
The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"
A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.
I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes.
Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
I met this girl the other day and she
took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.
I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .
Now it’s at about this time I probably should have left.....
......but you just don’t get an offer like that every day.
My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.
Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.
I had to give up being a Taxi Driver.
There was just too much talking behind my back.
When life closes a door
Open it back up; sort of how doors work.
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Nick, the guy who shit in your tuba is here!"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses
He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?"
The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead."
There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list
On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"
The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".
Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.
A rope walks into a bar...
And orders and drink. The bartender says," We don't serve ropes here." So the rope goes outside, frays his ends, and ties himself into a knot. He comes back in and once again orders a drink. The bartender says,"Aren't you that rope I just turned down?" To which the rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”
The world’s biggest gender reveal party happened way back in 1945
When Japan found out the US had a Little Boy
My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.
I guess she Ransomware..
A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...
Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"
