Boss's daughter!
Employee: Sir, you called me?
Boss: Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate.
Employee, after few minutes: Done sir.
Boss: Do it again.
Employee: Done again, sir.
Boss: Do it once more.
Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.
Boss: Very good, here are my keys, drop my daughter at home.
I want to make a trivia show for rednecks where wrong answers cost them their hair.
I'll call it "Mullet Over."
A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.
"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"
I was waiting for the green light at the crossing and saw an old woman walking with a little child...
The excited child was walking bit faster towards the crossing than the old lady. She then shouted, "Degree, wait for me!" I was so amazed to hear such an unusual name. So to satisfy my curiousity, I walked closer to the woman and asked; "Ma, why do u call your grand child Degree?" The woman laughed and said "I sent her mother to University for education and this is what she brought home instead."
A mummy calls a restaurant.
• Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
•Could you spell it out, please?
•Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.
What do you call eating ass on an airplane?
Skyrim
What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador.
If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...
I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.
Two ducks are having an affair.
hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.
“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”
“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”
Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit...
That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.
What do you call a midget psychic that just escaped from prison?
A small medium at large
A man goes ice fishing...
He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."
He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, ”There are no fish there either."
He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "Not there either."
Frightened, the man calls out, "Is that you, God?"
"No," the voice booms, "I'm the rink manager."
Astronomers got tired after watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours...
So they decided to call it a day
What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at karate?
The Carroty Kid.
Russian POW calls home: 'Mum, I've been captured'.
Mum: 'Where are you?' POW: 'Ukraine.' Mum: 'Can you get us a Big Mac?'
Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?
Cause groups of fish are called schools
There must be another planet somewhere with worms.
Otherwise why would we call ours “Earth” worms
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq
.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I called the tinnitus hotline
but it just kept ringing :/
Have you heard of the sexual maneuver called the "Reverse Hitler"?
It's where you ejaculate inside of an anus. i.e. create 6 million lives in a gas chamber.