Call jokes

What do you call an overweight baby?

Heavy infantry

During sex with my wife,

I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said "What the hell are you doing?"

And I was like "Hush, I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

Called my boss, what's the different between work and your daughter.

I will not be coming into work today.

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

I’ll call it my oughtabiography.

What do you call a zombie at a trump rally?

Starving

A joke from Kyiv.

A Russian soldier calls home from Ukraine.

- Did you take Kyiv? - No. - Did you take Harkiv? - No - What did you take then? - A blender, a washing machine and two fur coats

I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.

I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

Do you know why they always called him Lord Vader?

Because when they tried Master Vader it made all the stormtroopers giggle.

I just called the paranoia hotline.

A guy answered, “How did you get this number?!”

What do you call a skinny Pakistani cow?

A moo-slim.

There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge.

One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you." And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg".

A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

A prisoner called Andrea wants to prove her strength...

So she starts a weightlifting competition and wins! Turns out the powerhouse of the cell is the might of con 'Drea.

Do you know what I call my hiking playlist?

My trail mix

Doctors say they found a food that causes years of pain and suffering after its eaten...

It's called wedding cake

What do you call an inexperienced Egyptian God?

Anoobis

The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

What do you call a horny square?

Erectangle

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

“HEY! So what did you get for Christmas?” The second little boy pauses and says “well I got a gift card and a t-shirt...you?”

The first little boy excitedly replies ”Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can’t believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt!” to which the second little boy replies “well...at least I don’t have cancer...”