A guy gets a call from his Doctor...
The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."
The guy says "What's the bad news?"
The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."
The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."
Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”
An old man is lying on his death bed...
... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."
Whosoever invented "dentures" missed out on calling them ...
"Substitooths".
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? "
He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.
0 Kills
0 Assist
7 Deaths
Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it’s strange that the town in the movie “Cars” is called “Radiator Springs”.
It would be like if we called a city “Liver Pool”.
How‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia?
Nyetflix
What do you call a French prostitute in Pakistan?
Lahore
You know Apple is run by men...
When they call it an iPhone 6+ and its only 5.5 inches.
What do you call a Blonde doing a handstand? NSFW
A Brunette with bad breath.
What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?
A oui lad
How many gynecologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I'm asking because mine had to call like six other guys in to help him, and I'm really starting to wonder why I needed one installed down there in the first place.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
I used to have a Spanish girlfriend called Nada
She meant nothing to me
What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?
No whey Jose.
A man just got a car for his wife.
Now, thats what you call a fair trade.
The people that work at my bank are so nice!
Every time they call, they say my loans are outstanding!
There’s a band called 1023MB
They haven’t had any gigs yet