Call jokes

Your momma so old...

You should call her and check in. Just say hello. Tell her you love her.

A young naive couple get married NSFW

After the reception they head back to the hotel, get undressed and are simply standing facing each other.

‘This isn’t right’, the husband Dave says, ‘Let me call my dad’.

His dad tells him he’s an idiot and all he needs to do it stick the hardest part of his body into where she pisses.

A few minutes later the dad gets another call, but this time it’s the daughter in law and she’s hysterical

‘You gotta come here quick. Dave’s got his head stuck in the toilet!’

One day a girl realised she was growing hair between her legs

She asked her mom what it was and her mom replied back 'the part where the hair is growing is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey is growing hair'

During dinner she told her sister that her monkey had grown hair and the sister replied 'that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas'

TIL that "Call of Duty" has a different name in the Middle-East

They call it "The Sims"

Son: Mom, why is my sister called Teresa?

Mom: Because Teresa is an Anagram of Easter and we love Easter!

Son: Oh I see. Thanks mom!

Mom: My pleasure Alan.

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help. I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

What do you call a gay man in his house by himself?

homolone

I said to my wife the other day: "Why are the broken condoms on the sofa again?"

She said "I wish you'd start calling our children by their proper names"

What do you call a female turtle?

A clitortoise.

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

A pilot you racist fuck

What do you call a midget having an orgasm?

A shortcoming

What do you call it when a kid teaches their parents?

Learning from your mistakes.

A series of cow jokes

Q: What do you call a sleeping cow? A: A bull-dozer Q: How does a farmer count his cows? A: With a cowculator Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work Q: Why don't cows have money? A: The farmers milk them dry Q: What's a grumpy cow called? A: Moooody

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

What do you call a communist pirate ship?

The USS-ARRR

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?!” I cried.

“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look!” he shouted, pointing excitedly.

And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.

I used to be in a band called "The Hinges"

We opened for The Doors