A rich guy and his poor drinking buddy were at the bar before Christmas...
The rich guy, making small talk, goes
"So I got my wife a new diamond ring and a BMW for Christmas. That way if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll still love the Beemer!"
The poor guy goes:
"Huh, well I got my wife a pair of pantyhose and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the pantyhose, she can go fuck herself."
(Thanks Dad.)
What did the child with no arms get for Christmas?
Gloves.
Just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet.
Hi Lads.
Iv'e got a load of Victoria Secret Bra sets just arrived which will make a lovely Christmas present.
If you can send me a picture of your wife's tits, I'll let you know if I have any that will fit.
Merry Christmas..
A woman is taken to court...
The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"
The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."
When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?
Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...
“HEY! So what did you get for Christmas?” The second little boy pauses and says “well I got a gift card and a t-shirt...you?”
The first little boy excitedly replies ”Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can’t believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt!” to which the second little boy replies “well...at least I don’t have cancer...”
Why do engineers mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because OCT 31=DEC 25
My roommate is gay
There was this boy who went away to college, and came back for Christmas.
Over drinks with his dad by the fireplace, he told his dad: "Dad, I think my roommate is gay."
Dad asks: "Well, what makes you think so?"
Son replies: "His dick tastes like shit."
It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.
They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.
What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol?
Depends, what is yours?
Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...
...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree
The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."
My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.
So far she's getting a McChicken.
What's a depressed kid's favorite holiday? Christmas because everything is hanging.
I wanna be a Christmas decoration because they always do be hanging.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best.
Winter: Well you can build snowmen, and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!
Spring: Well sure but come springtime everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!
Summer: yes but I am undoubtably the overall best season, girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn what do you have to offer?
Autumn: * leaves *
A little girl asks her mom, "Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?"
Her mom replies, "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."
What Christmas song do they play at the mental hospital?
Do you see what I see?
There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable....
World Peace
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas.
"World peace" I said.
"Something more realistic!" she laughed
"Ok how about a blowjob once a week?"
She reached for the phone.
"Who are you calling?" I asked.
"The United Nations" she replied.