Condom jokes

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

“Trojan” isn’t a good name for a condom.

Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.

The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, “You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.” The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, “That’s nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.” The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they settled into their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

I was buying some condoms and the cashier said "would you like a bag with that"

I said "nice try, but this wasn't funny the first 100 times I read this repost, and it isn't funny now"

How is a woman like a condom?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick!

A condom that is 100% effective . . .

is inconceivable.

Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One says to the other "what do you say we go in there and get shit-faced?"

I've discovered that 1+1 can, in fact, equal 3.

Because I wasn't wearing a condom.

I said to my wife the other day: "Why are the broken condoms on the sofa again?"

She said "I wish you'd start calling our children by their proper names"

A cowboy is buying condoms.

"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please" he says. "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" asks the cashier. "Nah, she's purty good-lookin ..."

A man walks into the store to buy condoms

Cashier: This is your third time buying condoms this week! What's your secret?

Man: what can I say, the ladies love me. In fact , Ive probably slept with every girl in this county except my sister and my mother.

Cashier: Huh. Well between the two of us we've got 'em all then!

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms...

... He walks up to the lady at the register and says: "Give me a pack of condoms, please." The lady says: "Sure, do you need a grocery bag with that?" The guy looks at her and says: "No thank you, this time she isn't that ugly."

A Man Walks into His Home

He calls out to his wife, "Honey, why are there two broken condoms sitting on the couch?"

His wife replies, exasperated, "For the last time, can you please call our children by their actual names?"

Husband says, "My olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I am going to wear a gold one."

Wife says, "Why don’t you wear a silver one and come second for a change."

What did the penis say to the condom?

"Cover me, I'm going in."

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee thanks, grandpa."

"Why are you calling me grandpa?"

"Because I didn't find it yeterday."

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike. If the rubber breaks, you're in trouble.

A Blonde and Condoms

The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."

I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms

The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"