Bob the builder meets a pretty lass in the bar
He says to her, “I have an 8 inch dick and can fuck all night.” After a few drinks she takes him home and they fuck. The next day she says to him “You said your dick was 8 inches long and you could last all night. Instead, your dick was 5 inches and you only lasted 3 minutes!” He replies, “I’m a builder love, it’s only an estimate.”
So my mate was welding the other day
While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.
Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.
Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.
After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creepy Teacher Syndrome"
"Creepy teacher Syndrome?"
"Yes," the doctor replies, "You've fucked one of your pupils"
A Blonde Tries To Solve A
A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"
The other day at school, we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house. I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.
I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver...
But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.
Two morgue workers are talking...
They are telling stories about the people they've had on their table when one of them says: "I had a woman come in the other day and she had breasts like watermelons, man."
"Well, I had a woman come in the other day," the other one says, "and she had a clitoris like a lemon."
"What? She had a huge clitoris?"
"No, it was really sour."
When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high...
These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.
I try to teach my mom something new every day.
They say you're supposed to learn from your mistakes
I can't believe...!
Person 1: I can't believe after all that shit they're back together!!! Person 2: Who?! Person 1: My ass cheeks.
I've used this many times in person, and it still cracks me up to this day lol
A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....
I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’ ‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’ ‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’ ‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us
I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does.
Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier
But it was getting late so we decided to call it a knight.
I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing...
And now my pet snake has a huge tumor
A little girl comes home with $20
And runs straight to her mum
"mummy look! A boy gave me $20 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"
The mum replied
"honey, he's just doing that so he can see your underwear. Don't fall for their tricks!"
The next day the girl comes home with $50
"mummy look! The same boy gave me $50 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"
The mum replied
"didn't i tell you not to! He's just doing that to see your underwear!"
The girl responded
"don't worry mum, i took my underwear off this time"
Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away?
The newspaper headlines the next day read:
#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#
Why did 7 eat 9?
Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day
I'm sorry
I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?
Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?
Too hard on the mule.
I hope you don't get your period on Valentine's Day.
It's going to be a pain in the ass.
Don't buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!
It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days.
It's been 2 weeks and I'm still Asian.